


...Will drive you mad

by Manwameldiel



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Wolfstar - Fandom
Genre: A little bit of angst, Hola! It's yah boy jealousy, Long, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn, Some humour, mostly just pining tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 15:03:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15776499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Manwameldiel/pseuds/Manwameldiel
Summary: Sirius Orion Black had never been known for being jealous. Ever. About anything or anyone. It was something many of his peers didn’t understand. But, it just had never been something he had experienced. Until one day, in the beginning of his sixth year at Hogwarts.





	1. This is different

Sirius Orion Black had never been known for being jealous. Ever. About anything or anyone. It was something many of his peers didn’t understand. But, it just had never been something he had experienced. Until one day, in the beginning of his sixth year at Hogwarts. 

It was right before class. The Marauders were hanging out in the corridor. James was rambling about quidditch, like always, well at least it wasn’t about Lily for a change, Peter was listening enthusiastically while Remus had his nose stuck in a book, of course. Then, a Ravenclaw student named Katarina walked up to Remus and started talking to him. Sirius didn’t know this Katarina girl well, but Remus seemed to like her, so she must be okay. 

However, Sirius couldn’t help but notice how close she was standing to Remus. To be fair, it was crowded where they were standing but there was definitely enough room for her to stand like, at least one step away from him, rather than right up next to him like a magnet. Then, right before leaving, Katarina touched Remus's upper arm and smiled. Sirius felt a knot in his stomach. Why did she have to do that? She didn’t have to do that. But, why did she? Was she flirting? She was definitely flirting. That’s a classic flirt move. You don’t just touch someone’s upper arm and smile like that unless it means something, and that definitely meant something. 

“Sirius?” Remus asked, pulling him away from his thoughts. “Yes?” “Are you alright?” he asked, concerned. “I’m fine, why? Why do you ask?” Sirius played it cool, or tried, at least. “You were, almost literally, burning a hole through the floor with your eyes.” Remus pointed out, but Sirius just shrugged. “Are you sure you’re alright?” Remus repeated and took a step closer to Sirius, who suddenly felt warm all over. “I’m fine” he lied and turned away from Remus, pretending to be focusing on what James was talking about. Remus nodded his head, though not quite convinced, and turned back to his book. Sirius took a deep breath. What was wrong with him? Why did it bother him so much that Katarina had stood so close to Remus? How her hand had lingered on his arm. Wait, had it lingered there? It definitely had. And that smile. It meant something more than just being friendly. It definitely did. Sirius played the scene in his head a few times but stopped once he realized that replaying it like that just made him feel worse. Why was he feeling this way? Wait, was he jealous? No, it couldn’t be. He didn’t get jealous. And besides, what was there to be jealous about? Nothing. Sirius didn’t even like Remus, like that. Did he? No, definitely not. Then why had he felt oddly warm when Remus had stepped closer to him? Why did he care whether or not someone was flirting with his friend? 

For once he was actually thankful for being dragged out of his own mind when they had to head for class. 

 

A few days later, Sirius forgot this incident had ever taken place, until it happened again. It didn’t happen in the same way, but Sirius felt the same surge of emotions. They were in Potions class working on an extremely smelly and difficult potion. Or poison more like, Sirius thought to himself as he looked over his cauldron at the bubbling dark green monster that he was sure would explode any time soon. He kept stirring as he looked over at his book, making sure he had gotten everything right. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Remus helping Katarina with her potion a few tables away. They were standing rather close, Sirius noticed, rather too close. Their arms were touching, they might as well be glued together, he thought.   
              
Sirius wasn’t aware of the smoke rising out of his cauldron until James called his name. He turned and looked down at the potion as it exploded in his face. Needless to say, that was not the most successful he’d performed in class.   
              
After he had washed most of the goo off his face and out of his hair in the sink in the boy’s bathroom, Sirius unintentionally replayed the scene from class in his mind. When he had seen Remus helping Katarina, the way he had stood so close to her and… Oh, shit. There was this feeling again, this dirty little knot his stomach. Wait, was it jealousy? Sirius played it in his head again. Oh, no. No, it couldn’t be. Could it? Wait, was Sirius really jealous of Katarina? Because of Remus? Was he jealous because he liked Remus? No, that couldn’t be. He didn’t like him, did he? They were friends, Remus was one of Sirius’ best friends. He liked him in a platonic sense. He didn’t have feelings for him. Not like that. Probably.   
              
Sirius looked around to make sure he was alone, before he let his mind start wandering. He felt bad for thinking about this, but he wanted to be sure. He wondered how it would be like to be with Remus. To hold his hand, to hold him. Although, they had shared a bed in the past after one of them had a nightmare, they never really touched each other, only ever by accident. There had never been any sort of cuddling. Except that one time where James and Peter decided to join the sharing of bed experience, those beds were definitely not made for four teenage boys to share, but somehow that had worked out fine. That memory was soon wiped from his mind and a new thought took its place.   
              
What would it be like to kiss him? Sirius wondered. Remus was taller, he’d maybe lift underneath Sirius’ chin, then his hand would slide across Sirius’ neck and into his hair. He’d have one hand under the jaw and the other one buried in Sirius’ hair. His lips would be surprisingly soft. Sirius would be able to feel his warmth. His hands would travel over Remus's back. Remus might leave some space between the two of them at first but after a while he would take a step forward and press their bodies together.   
              
Oh, shit. Sirius pulled his mind away from these thoughts as he realized he had raised his hand and was now lightly pinching his lower lip. He felt warmer, his heartbeat was racing, and his mouth was dry. Did he like the thought of kissing Remus? Yep, he definitely liked the thought of kissing Remus. Hold on. Did he like Remus? When had that happened? Why hadn’t he noticed before? And why was he jealous? He was Sirius Black, he didn’t get jealous, right?   
              
For the rest of the day, he tried focusing on anything besides his, possible, feelings for Remus. And it worked, if he wasn’t directly looking at him. However, whenever he found himself looking over at his friend he felt something deep in his stomach. He felt nervous, yet excited. And happy, so happy. This was definitely a new feeling. It felt good, but it made him scared. He didn’t remember ever feeling this strongly for anyone before, and he had no idea when these feelings for Remus sparked up, or from what, and why. So, he tried not to think about it too much, but it would soon turn out to be extremely hard.


	2. A full moon and an ugly knot

During the next couple of weeks, Sirius would catch himself subtly exploring his feelings for Remus further. He kept trying not to, but he was curious to know what it exactly was that made him feel like this for his friend. And by doing so he may have realized his feelings were stronger than he originally thought, unfortunately.   
              
He also started noticing things he hadn’t thought about before, for example how beautiful Remus's smile was. The way his eyes would brighten up, the tiny wrinkles that would appear under his eyes and just how beautiful Remus looked. Also, how warm his laughter was, how his eyes would rapidly move around whenever he was embarrassed, and how he would fiddle when he was nervous. And how Sirius found those things to be exceedingly attractive. But, not only that, Sirius would also notice how easily he felt himself getting nervous around the other boy, how his face would get warm and his skin would tingle every time they stood close to one another. The way his heart seemed to want to jump out of chest and how his lungs would become completely empty whenever the sunlight would shine a certain way over the other boy’s eyes.   
              
And he tried, he tried not to think about Remus that way, but he couldn’t help but occasionally wonder what his lips would feel like against his. What it would be like to have his fingers in his hair, lightly tugging at it as they’d make out. He wondered what going on a date with Remus would include, if they’d go to Hogsmeade during one weekend or maybe someplace else. Hogsmeade was really the only place they could go during the winter, but maybe if they’d see each other during the summer and… He stopped fantasizing as he realized he had been staring off into the distance, grinning like an idiot, in the middle of class.   
              
However, unlike his other crushes, he wasn’t sure whether he wanted to act on this one. It was weird, having a crush on one of your best friends who you’ve known for the past five years, and also scary. Especially considering how this was probably the biggest crush he’d ever had on anyone. That was the most terrifying part. 

 

One evening, after the first full moon of the school year, Sirius was in the hospital wing with James and Peter, all sitting around Remus's bed. They were writing down their notes in Remus's notebooks while Remus dozed off. They had started doing it pretty soon after finding out Remus was a werewolf, taking their own notes and writing them in Remus's notebooks, so that he’d have them. And they had just kept on doing it every year, every month. He deserved to have some of the stress taken off of him, especially after such a difficult night.   
             
“Boys, why don’t you go and eat dinner? You’ve been here for hours” Madam Pomfrey asked, startling the three boys. “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea” James fixed his glasses and yawned. “We could all use a break” he said as he stood up and stretched. Peter agreed and joined James, who was already heading out. “You coming, Pads?” “Uh, yeah. Just give me a moment” Sirius said and finished writing down his notes.   
              
As he was closing the book, he noticed something on the last page. He opened the book and saw there were little doodles all along the edges that Remus had drawn at some point. They looked either like snowflakes or stars. Sirius wasn’t sure which one it was, but it still made him smile.   
              
Sirius closed the book and put it on the nightstand beside the bed. As he did so, his eyes glanced over to where Remus lay asleep. Poor boy still looked exhausted. His skin was paler than usual, the bags under his eyes stood out more. He had some new scars and bruises across his skin, plus his hair was a tangled mess. This full moon had a been a difficult one. They actually were all equally difficult, probably, but Sirius felt different about this one, most likely because he felt different about Remus. Sirius stood up and pulled the covers better over Remus to keep him from getting cold. As he did so he looked better at the boy’s face.   
              
If asked, he would have absolutely denied the fact that it made his heart skip. Even though the full moon had left him looking sickly, he still looked beautiful. Sirius turned his gaze towards the window, he almost wanted to roll his eyes for thinking that. It was just weird, that he was thinking about that after such a terrible night. However, he couldn’t deny that whether Remus was in perfect health or sick lying asleep in the hospital wing, he looked almost angelic, that bastard.   
              
Sirius looked back down at his friend as he turned in his sleep. He hadn’t really noticed how much Remus's hair had grown recently, until it fell over his eyes. Sirius smiled and moved the lock away from his eyes. The boy moved in his sleep, before opening his eyes. “Hi” Remus smiled up at him, sleepily. “Hey” Sirius replied, out of breath, nervous about having been caught standing over the other boy. “How long have I been out?” Remus looked around the room, he seemed to not have noticed how Sirius had been standing over him like that. “I’m not sure exactly” Sirius sat back down in his chair, relaxing. “How are you feeling?” he asked after Remus sat up, wincing. “Better” the other boy said. “Where’re the others?” he asked after looking over at their empty seats. “They went to get dinner” Sirius suddenly remembered that was also what he had been going to do. “Why aren’t you as well?” Remus asked, and Sirius felt himself getting tongue tight. “I was… I was going to I just…. I just wanted to finish writing down the notes” he, only somewhat, lied as he motioned over to the nightstand. “Thanks, I’ll read them over tomorrow” Remus smiled as he picked it up and looked through them.   
              
Suddenly, his brows furrowed. “Is something wrong?” Sirius wondered. “Has your handwriting changed?” Remus wondered, much to Sirius’ surprise. “I’m not sure, guess so. Does it look any different?” “A bit, but in a good way, finer, a bit easier to read” “Oh” Sirius relaxed. “Thanks” he said, picking at a loose string in his shirt. Remus put the book back on the nightstand and smiled at him, but then he winced in pain. He got a worried look on his face as he raised his hand towards his cheek, touching the new scar. “This wasn’t there before last night” he pointed out, sadly. “No” Sirius replied and watched as his friend already became self-conscious about the scar. “Don’t worry about it, it looks cool” Sirius tried reassuring him. “Really?” Remus asked him. “Definitely” Sirius assured him. “It makes you look extremely tough” he said, putting emphasis on the last word. Remus smiled softly “No it doesn’t” he said, sitting up and hugging his knees. “Sure, it does. You are the toughest guy in Hogwarts” Sirius said as he noticed Remus hiding a smile behind his knees “I would say you’re the toughest person, but we’ve all seen Lily and let’s be real, no can beat her” Sirius added, and Remus started laughing. “That’s true” he agreed, hand going up to the scar again, but the smile stayed. “Remember in fourth year?” he asked and laughed harder. “Like it was yesterday” Sirius replied, although that memory wasn’t on his mind at the moment. The sight in front of him had Sirius biting his lip. Seeing Remus that carefree, especially after a night like the one before, was the most beautiful sight Sirius had ever seen. He practically had to restrain himself from leaping out of the chair and jumping on Remus, smashing their lips together.   
              
“Just a moment, my ass!” James called as he entered the hospital wing, carrying a horde of food in his arms, Peter following carrying pumpkin juice. “Mister Potter, will you keep it down, please” Madam Pomfrey scolded him “Sorry Madam… Oh, hey Moony, how are you feeling?” James asked once he saw Remus sitting in his bed. “Better” Remus replied, having slightly calmed down after the laughing fit. “Good” James laid down the food across the bed in front of Remus's feet. “Now, what hilarious incident did we miss here?” James asked as he pulled his chair closer to the bed and started digging into the food. “Oh, you know, just what happened in fourth year” Sirius innocently said, moving his chair closer to the bed as well. James stopped eating, half a chicken wing hanging from his lips. “Also known as the moment we do not discuss” He said, pointing his finger in Sirius’ direction like a mother scolding her child after catching them eating a cookie right before dinner. Sirius and Remus shared a look before both of them exploded, Peter following afterwards.   
              
“If you boys don’t shut up, none of you will get any food” James said, not amused. Remus was quick to grab two handfuls as he continued laughing. Sirius almost fell from his chair with laughter, but as his gaze turned towards Remus, practically hugging his food so James couldn’t take it away from him, he felt his laughter die in his throat. He couldn’t describe what it was, he felt the knot in his stomach again, but not in a bad, jealous way. It felt warm. It spread all over his body. He felt incredibly happy.   
              
As he turned to grab some food, he noticed James across from him, looking confused at him. He turned his gaze towards Remus and then back towards Sirius. Oh, shit, he saw. He probably didn’t know what was going on, but he saw. Sirius decided to ignore him, as he grabbed some bread and pretended nothing happened.   
              
“Oi, Moony” Peter started, mouth full. “We met Katarina and she asked of you” he said, and Sirius regretted taking that bread. “We told her you were sick, and she said she hopes you’ll feel better soon” as Peter took a sip from his cup, Sirius wanted to slap him in the face. Of all the things this boy forgot, this couldn’t be one of them, typical.   
“Oh, thanks” Remus smiled as he started eating. Sirius felt his heart drop into his stomach. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t let it known this affected him, but just pretended once again, that everything was fine. 

 

As the semester kept going, and the days grew colder, Sirius found it more and more difficult to hide his feelings, at least to himself. No one else really seemed to notice, thankfully. James hadn’t even batted an eye at anything after the evening in the hospital wing. But, as much as Sirius tried to convince himself his feelings were only a temporary thing, that would disappear sooner or later, unfortunately he couldn’t deny that they only seemed to be getting stronger. 

 

On one cold morning, in middle of October, as the marauders were heading to their first class off the day, the Ravenclaw student, Katarina, walked up to them and started a conversation with Remus. Sirius tried to completely ignore those two, which worked until Katarina said something that made Remus laugh and Sirius found himself biting his lip, gripping his books tighter. He felt extremely uncomfortable and wanted to walk away. But, he knew that would raise questions, so he just kept walking with them.   
              
“Do you think Moony knows she has a crush on him?” James asked quietly so only Sirius heard. Once again, he felt the knot in his stomach, the bad one, and it got tighter. His fingernails dug into the cover of his books. “Do you think he knows?” James repeated, a little louder. “No, probably not” Sirius answered quickly. “Are you okay?” James asked him. “I’m fine” Sirius spat. “Sorry, mate, it’s just that you seem a little off at the moment” James excused. Sirius sighed “Just tired” he said. “Nightmare?” James asked concerned. “Yeah, I don’t want to talk about it” Sirius lied. “So, when do you think he’ll figure it out?” James kept asking, much to Sirius’ annoyance. “Figure what out?” “That Katarina likes him, I mean it’s quite obvious, really”. James pointed at the two of them and Sirius looked over. His heart sank, he felt like he was about to cry. Katarina was talking, and Remus was looking at her, smiling. His eyes not straying away from her face. “I mean, yeah it kinda looks like she has a crush on him” “What do you mean kinda? She looks absolutely head over heels. And if my bad eyesight doesn’t deceive me” James added and pushed his glasses further up his nose “it kinda looks like he might also have a crush on her”.   
              
That was it, the last straw, Sirius felt the tears in his eyes. He started walking faster, leaving his friends behind. “Sirius, where are you going?” James called after him. But, Sirius didn’t reply as he rushed towards the nearest boy’s bathroom he found. Thankfully, no one was in there. He rushed into one of the stalls, closed the door and started crying.   
              
After crying for about good couple of minutes, his mind started spinning. Why was he behaving this way? Why did he feel like this? He had liked a good number of guys in his years at Hogwarts, but it had never been like this, never been this strong. And the worst part was, he had never felt jealous. Of all the things that scared him about this particular crush, the jealousy he felt whenever Remus interacted with Katarina was the worst. He had never felt jealous about anyone, ever. And it terrified him. Did it mean he was in…? No. It couldn’t. Then why did he get this feeling in his chest? Every time Remus would look at him with a smile, every time he would laugh, Sirius would feel like his heart was exploding. It felt like fireworks. It was bright and warm. It lit up his entire world.   
              
But, whenever Katarina and Remus were close, another type of explosion happened in Sirius’ heart. He wasn’t sure what type of explosion, but it felt dark. It felt like his heart was falling down to his stomach in pieces, he felt cold and hollow. He hated that feeling. He hated Katarina. He knew he had no reason to hate her, but the fact that Remus seemed so happy when she was around whereas Sirius knew he could never make Remus smile like that, made Sirius feel like his world was falling apart.   
              
Sirius didn’t want to go to class, didn’t feel like it. But he didn't want to be bombarded by questions from his friends if he didn't show up. So, he tried to calm himself down until he was somewhat feeling better and made sure it wasn’t noticeable he had been crying, before he headed to class.   
              
Class was in full session when he arrived, sat down beside James and opened his books. Remus, who sat by the table beside his, looked over at him, concerned. “Hey” he whispered, and Sirius looked over “Are you okay? You just stormed off right before class” “Yeah, I’m fine” Sirius shrugged carelessly, but Remus, who wasn’t quite buying it, still looked at him concerned. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll be fine” Sirius replied earnestly. Remus looked over at the teacher, who was busy writing on the board. Then put his hand in his pocket and fished out a small chocolate bar, hid it in his sleeve and handed it over to Sirius, who was very thankful for the fact they were sitting in the back, because otherwise they would have been caught. “Hope it helps” Remus smiled softly. “I’m sure it does, thanks” Sirius, secretly, took a bite of his chocolate bar as he also tried to hide the smile spreading across his face.


	3. Got the hots

“That is not a good jumper, Moony” Sirius pointed out one Saturday morning in the great Hall. “It’s a lovely jumper” Remus said as he sat down beside him. “Not really” Sirius disagreed. “The jumper you were wearing last Saturday, however. That one looked good on you. It matches your eyes” Sirius said and went back to eating his breakfast. “I don’t have blue eyes, they’re green” Remus pointed out. “I know, but blue and green go fantastically well together. Green and whatever brown this is, doesn’t really” “And since when did you become the fashion police?” Remus asked. “Oh, I’ve always been. My choice of clothing is always the best” Sirius went back to eating while he waited for Remus to reply but heard nothing. When he turned he noticed the other boy looking down at his sweatshirt, eyebrow raised “Really?” he finally replied, dragging out the word. “Haven’t you heard?” Sirius pretended to look surprised “This is all the rage nowadays” Sirius said as he flicked his hair over his shoulder. “Right” Remus replied, unconvinced. Both boys grinned before going back to eating their breakfast. 

Sirius tried hiding how he kept grinning like an idiot, as he started eating, occasionally glancing over at his friend. After figuring out his feelings for Remus, Sirius had felt so tense and anxious around him. Joking around with him made him feel more relaxed.  
              
Unfortunately, Sirius’ good mood was soon ruined when Katarina appeared, starting a conversation with Remus. As he saw Remus smile, Sirius lost his appetite. His guts were boiling in his stomach. He tried as hard as he could to ignore them but couldn’t help looking over. As always, the sight made his heart drop. Remus always seemed happier whenever he was talking to this girl, and Sirius didn’t want that. He knew he was being selfish, he wasn’t in control of who Remus had feelings for, he couldn’t just tell him to not talk to who he liked spending time with, he just had to deal with it.   
              
Sirius pushed his food around on the plate, ignoring as much of the conversation as he could, which was going surprisingly well, until he heard Katarina laugh. His head automatically turned, and he saw Katarina with an arm over Remus’s shoulders. Sirius shot upwards in his seat, his grip on the fork tightening, as he saw how Remus politely let her, even though he looked extremely uncomfortable with her over him like that. 

“Back off!” Sirius spat, to everyone’s surprise. James and Peter froze in their seats in front of them. Remus turned his head and looked questioningly at him. Katarina slowly got up, looking warily at him. “Of course, sorry Remus, I shouldn’t have done that” she apologized. “It’s okay, really. I’ll talk to you later” Remus assured her, and she headed back toward the Ravenclaw table.   
              
“What was that?” Remus asked, confused. Sirius, still gripping the fork tightly, put it down on the table. He just stared down, not sure what to say. “Sirius, what was that?” Remus asked again, a little louder this time. Sirius looked up at Remus and took a deep breath. “I… I don’t know” Sirius stuttered. James and Peter were looking at the two of them across the table like they were waiting for a bomb to explode. “You… You looked… You looked uncomfortable and I just… I don’t think she caught up on that” Sirius said. It wasn’t a lie at least. But, it wasn’t the whole truth either. However, Remus seemed to buy it, or at least some of it, since his expression softened, and he even smiled a little. “Well, thank you anyway. You’re right, it wasn’t really that comfortable, but you don’t have to sound so aggressive” Remus said. “No problem, and I’ll remember that” Sirius replied. Remus nodded and smiled before digging back into his meal. Sirius sighed. As he went back to pushing his food around, appetite still absent, he caught James’s eye across the table and froze. James was looking very suspiciously at him, his eyes scanned over to Remus and back towards Sirius, then they widened in realization. ‘Shit’. He silently pointed over to Remus and looked at Sirius questioningly. Sirius shook his head, hoping to god that the other boy would keep his mouth shut. Thankfully, he did. Until he cornered Sirius later that day when they were alone in their dorm. 

“Holy shit! You’ve got the hots for Moony!” James exclaimed excitedly. Sirius felt his face go red. “Will you shut your face, and no I do not” Sirius hissed as he closed the door. “Wow, man, how did I not notice before?” “In your defense, you are an oblivious asshole” Sirius stated. “So, you’re saying it’s true?” James asked, ignoring the insult. “What?” “You fancy Moony?” Sirius leaned against the door, crossing his arms over his chest. “I don’t know” he lied. “Maybe, a little” he found himself admitting. James’s smile widened, if that was even possible. “What does it matter to you anyways?” Sirius asked, getting a little uncomfortable. “What does it matter me?” James asked, then sighed, placing his hand on his chest, dramatically. “Two of my best friends, in love. How can that not matter to me?” Sirius’ heart jumped in his chest. “We’re not… I’m not… I don’t… He’s not in love with me” he stated. “Do you know?” James asked him, smirking. “Do you?” Sirius asked, arms dropping to his sides as he rapidly stood up straighter. James’s smirk stayed glued on his face, now accompanied by raised eyebrows. “Shut it” Sirius whispered, annoyed. “No, I don’t know, unfortunately. But, how can you be so sure Moony hasn’t fallen head over heels for you?” James asked, still being dramatic. “I don’t know. You said the other day he seems to fancy Katarina” Sirius remembered, hands digging in his back pockets as James’s grin faded. “First of all, I wouldn’t say the other day, it happened like a couple of weeks ago, perhaps. And secondly, I didn’t even know at that time that you liked him. I probably don’t have a really good eye for this sort of thing” “Well, your eye seemed to work fine this morning” Sirius said, walking towards his bed and sitting down. “Always a first for everything” James stated, fixing his glasses on his nose. The silence hung in the air for a while, until James joined Sirius on his bed.   
              
“About that” he started. “What was that” he asked. “What was what?” Sirius asked, picking on a loose string on his covers. “When you told Katarina, aggressively may I add, to back off” Sirius shrugged. “I don’t know, it was bugging me, how close she was to him and stuff. How she stood like that over him. With her arm across his shoulders. It just bothered me” he kept looking down. “Were you jealous?” James asked him. Sirius looked up at his friend sitting across from him who, for once, didn’t look like he was making fun of anything. “Maybe. I don’t really know why I reacted like this. It just…” Sirius ran his fingers through his hair, the scene from earlier that day playing in his head.  “It just happened. I saw them together and I just snapped” Sirius explained. “You know?” he asked, and James nodded his head “Yeah, I know. Every time I used to see Lily and that asshat Snivellus together when they were still friends. But, this different isn’t it? I mean, Katarina is actually a pretty decent person”. Sirius sighed and thought for a moment. “I guess it is. Still, I can’t help but feel this knot in my stomach when they’re together and I want it to stop. I want her to stop touching him, I don’t like the fact she makes him laugh, makes him smile, I know she’s not doing it to get back at me, but it feels like it, I feel like she’s trying to do this, trying to hurt me and I just…” Sirius stopped talking before he said something he would later regret. 

He looked over at James who looked at him thoughtful. “What?” “Do you love him?” James asked. Sirius coughed. He felt like he had been kicked in the stomach. “What?!” He exclaimed “What? No, I’m not. I’m not. I just, you know, like him, but nothing more” Sirius frantically looked around at anything but James. He didn’t know why, but the question made him extremely nervous. “Are you sure?” James asked, more eagerly. “I think so, yeah. Why, why do you ask?” Sirius felt like his lungs were empty. “I was just wondering. Is this the biggest crush you’ve ever had on anyone?” Sirius felt like his heart was in his throat. “I mean, it is, but that’s all it is, a crush. Nothing more, it’ll pass, it’s fine. I’m not… in love, you know. I’m not” Sirius kept avoiding looking at James has he rambled. “Padfoot, are you okay?” James asked him, concerned. “I don’t… I don’t know” he admitted. “Look, I’m sorry, we don’t have to talk about this” James apologized. Sirius nodded, even though he did feel uncomfortable talking about it, Sirius was happy James knew. He felt relieved over the fact that someone besides him knew. 

He sat there, picking at his nail polish, thinking. He wasn’t in love, was he? No, it couldn’t be. He was only 16, he was way too young to be having these kinds of feelings. Then again, James had pretty much been in love with Lily since forever. Could it be? What was the difference really of being in love and having a crush?   
              
“You’re in love with Lily, aren’t you?” Sirius asked James, as he was about to stand up. “Are you just figuring that out now?” James asked, pretending to be offended. Sirius rolled his eyes “No, unfortunately. I’ve had to live with that information for years” he joked. “But, really though. What is it like? Being in love?” Sirius asked, biting his lower lip nervously. James sighed as he thought of how he could explain it. “I don’t know, really. It’s kinda hard to explain” he seemed to be thinking for a second before starting: “I just, I want to look good around her. And I don’t just mean, I want my hair to look nice, you know. I mean I want her to have a good opinion of me. I want her to approve of me” James finished, then stared at the ground with furrowed brows. “Did you just understand what I said because I don’t think I do” he added. Sirius laughed. “Yeah, I think I did. Seems pretty clear to me” “Oh and also” James apparently wasn’t finished. “Heartbeat. Goes through the roof, and every time she’s close and I just think about how much I want to kiss her and touch her hair and hold her hand and slow dance with her…” as James kept listing things that he wanted to do with Lily, Sirius’ mind trailed off. 

What exactly did he feel for Remus? He knew he fancied him, but… he wasn’t in love, was he? Yes, he sometimes thought about how beautiful he was, how witty his humor could be, and he thought about kissing him. Okay, maybe he thought of these things more often than just sometimes. And he wanted Remus to have a good opinion of him, but he wanted all his friends to have a good opinion of him. But, it still felt different. Everything about Remus was different. Sirius had different feelings for him than for his other friends, different from all his other crushes as well, actually. And knowing someone else liked him, and not knowing whether or not Remus had feelings for anyone other than him, drove Sirius mad. 

After a while of sitting there, Sirius realized James had stopped talking, noticing Sirius’ mind was off somewhere else, and was about to stand up again. “Do you really think he likes her?” Sirius asked, surprising them both. James stood still for a moment and Sirius felt his heart drop. “I mean…” James started “I can’t really say for sure, like I mentioned before I’m not the best with those things. I am quite oblivious, like you said…” “Will you just tell me what you really think?” Sirius asked, anxious. James fiddled with his fingers, as he moved around on his feet. “Look, you can’t hate me for saying this, but… to me it kinda looks like Moony might have a crush on Katarina” James carefully said and looked at Sirius who tried not to let his disappointment show on his face. He knew he failed when James started “I said might, you know, might. It means there’s a possibility, it doesn’t mean it’s real, you know? It just…” “I’m fine” Sirius said as the door opened, and Remus walked in.   
              
“Hey, Prongs I need to ask you... Pads, are you okay?” Remus stopped after looking at Sirius. “Peachy” he shrugged. “You sure?” Remus asked, turning his head slightly to one side. “Yeah, I’m fine” Sirius replied, like the liar he was apparently turning into. James looked back and forth between the two boys. “Oh, that’s right!” he exclaimed, as if he suddenly remembered something. “I had to talk to someone about something” he, noticeably, lied as he headed for the door. “But, I was going to ask about…” Remus was cut off as James ran past him “That’ll have to wait” James said as he suspiciously jumped out of the dorm, leaving Sirius alone with Remus. ‘That little shit’ Sirius thought as he realized. James left them alone. Just the two of them. Alone. 

He looked at Remus who was staring at the door where James had just disappeared. “Well, that’s what I call a terrible lie” Remus pointed out. “Never been his strongest suit” Sirius agreed, and his heart did a backflip when he saw Remus smile.   
              
‘Do you love him?’ Sirius bit his lip as he thought of that question. He had pondered it from time to time, but always stopped himself before coming to a conclusion. Now, he wondered why. Maybe it meant something, maybe he was scared of admitting it to himself, maybe he actually was full on in love with Remus and the only reason why he had yet to accept it was because he was scared of Remus finding out, of him freaking out about it, of losing him. 

“Sirius?” Remus asked, pulling the boy from his thoughts. “Yes?” he said, trying to appear casual. “Are you okay?” he repeated, and Sirius shrugged “I’m fine just like I said. Why?” he fiddled with his fingers. “It’s just…” Remus looked around before continuing. “I feel like recently you have been acting differently than usual” ‘Oh, shit’ Sirius thought ‘He knows, he’s definitely figured it out’ he silently freaked out as Remus continued. “You’ve been a bit quieter. You haven’t been joking around as much” Remus had been slowly walking towards Sirius as he spoke, and then he sat down on the bed beside Sirius, who could feel the warmth from the other boy, even though they weren’t touching. 

But, he wanted to. Oh, he wanted to so bad. He felt this pull to reach over and take his hand or even just go all the way and kiss him right then and there, but held himself back. “Is there something going on… with your family, or did I maybe do something wrong, or is it something else?” he asked carefully. “You don’t really have to tell me what it is, if there is something, but… if there’s anything I can do to help, I’m here for you” Remus finished, somewhat awkwardly.   
              
Sirius sat frozen for a few seconds, staring at the other boy. Then he felt a smile spreading over his face as his insides seemed to light up like Christmas lights. “There’s nothing going on exactly” he explained. “There are just things on my mind that I need to work out on my own” he said, feeling the smile fade as he realized. Staring at Remus. “But, thanks for the offer. I will let you know if you can help” “Okay” Remus nodded and stood up. “I’m gonna check where Prongs went, I’m getting worried” he said and stood up, heading for the door. 

Sirius felt the pull again, when watching the other boy leave. He wanted to run towards him, slam the door shut, grab him and kiss him as hard as he was able to. He wanted to get this all over with. Wanted to tell him. Wanted to tell him that he... 

“Wait!” Sirius called after him. Remus stopped and turned around. “What?” he asked after a few seconds of silence. Sirius regretted calling after him. However, what he did instead of simply telling Remus never mind, it’s not important, surprised both boys. “Can I hug you?” Sirius asked, right before Remus exited the door. Remus looked taken aback, considering no one in their friend group had asked for a hug in years, they were all so comfortable around each other they knew when someone wanted or didn’t want a hug. But, Remus opened his arms and said “Sure” and Sirius practically ran into him. 

It took almost all his willpower not to kiss him. Sirius had his arms tightly wrapped around Remus's shoulders. He took a deep breath as he felt Remus wrap his arms around Sirius’ torso. Sirius felt like a weight was being lifted off his chest. When he breathed in, the smell of chocolate and books filled his senses. He felt safe standing there, while at the same time vulnerable, but he didn’t care. Because he loved this, loved this feeling, loved… Remus. He let the words pass his mind ‘I love Remus. I love Remus. I love you’. As he thought the last words he got scared. He tightened his hold for a second before letting go.  
              
Remus looked at him with concern, but Sirius smiled. “Thanks” he breathed and let his arms fall to his sides. “I kinda needed this” Sirius explained, a little embarrassed. Remus nodded. “It’s okay, I understand. Just, again, let me know if there’s anything I can do to help” he smiled at him and Sirius automatically smiled back. “Will do” he said, and Remus nodded again and left the dorm. 

Sirius backed towards his bed and let himself fall down, facing up. He blew some hair away from his face and took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He was in love with Remus. He was in love with Remus. The realization should have left him happy, but he was scared. So, so scared.


	4. It is time

During the next couple of weeks, Sirius felt all kinds of miserable. When he first realized his feelings for Remus he thought it was just a temporary thing but now, after realizing he was in love with him, he knew his feelings wouldn’t be going away any time soon. And being too afraid to do anything about it, like for example tell him or try to find out if Remus liked him back, filled Sirius with anxiety. He was afraid if Remus would find out, things would get awkward, more than they already were. He was sure Remus would ignore him, possibly stop wanting to be his friend. He couldn’t let that happen.   
              
‘How can you be so sure Moony hasn’t fallen head over heels for you?’ The question James had asked him that one Saturday haunted Sirius from time to time. For some reason he was so sure Remus couldn’t possibly like him back. But, what made him this sure? He wondered, often. Katarina. He remembered every time she showed up. There was something about her that made Sirius clench his fists whenever she was around Remus.   
              
No, he realized one time as he looked at her and Remus having a conversation by the library, it wasn’t really her that was the problem. It was the way Remus acted around her. He was always smiling, and not a fake smile. Sirius knew Remus well enough to know whenever he was faking happiness and when he wasn’t, and whenever he was with Katarina, he was happy, genuinely happy, always. And it made Sirius mad, knowing he’ll never be able to make Remus smile like that, make him happy like that. No matter what, Sirius knew he couldn’t ever do that. Couldn’t ever have that. 

 

As December started, Sirius could only say that he felt relieved. The semester was nearing its end, soon there would be no schoolwork to be done for two weeks and plus, he could sleep in as much as he wanted. And he would be at James’ and therefore wouldn’t have to put up with his shit of a family.   
              
He also wouldn’t see Remus for a couple of weeks. This semester had been extremely difficult regarding that. Seeing him every day for months didn’t help with his feelings, only had the opposite effect. Hopefully during the Christmas break, his feelings would finally disappear, and things would go back to normal. He was also really getting tired of James looking at him with that look every time he caught Sirius just looking in Remus's direction. That weird, raised eyebrow, devilish smirk he always had on.   
              
Although, things hadn’t really been bad until Peter had apparently figured it out too, from James most likely, although that boy denied the accusation, and had once almost spilled it out during dinner one time, that could’ve ended awfully. 

One evening, as the snow fell softly to the ground outside, Sirius sat on the couch in the common room in front of the fire, going over the notes for the test the next day, or at least trying to. Turns out, the stronger your feelings are for someone, the harder it is to focus on anything else when that person is sitting right next to you. Sirius kept glancing over at Remus, who was practically hugging his book as he kept yawning, obviously getting tired. Sirius himself had given up on trying to focus on his studying as he looked over at the other boy sitting with his knees up, balancing the book on top of them. He bit his lower lip, trying to hide a smile when Remus scrunched up his nose, something he did unintentionally whenever he was really focused on something.   
              
Sirius wasn’t aware that he had been staring until Remus looked up from his book and their eyes met. Sirius immediately looked down at his book again, feeling his face getting warmer. He stared at a single spot for a while until he looked up again, catching Remus's eye, who appeared to be still looking at him. Sirius’ heart jumped in his chest when Remus didn’t look down again but kept the eye contact. Sirius surprised himself, as he didn’t look away either.   
              
The two boys sat frozen, staring at each other, until Remus closed his book and leaned towards Sirius. Taken aback, Sirius automatically leaned backwards. Remus must have understood it as Sirius leaning away from him intentionally, because he stopped and looked back down at his book. Sirius sat still, slowly closing his book. The tension lay heavily over the two of them. Suddenly Remus raised his head and looked over at Sirius, as if he were about to say something, then James burst in through the doors to the common room, his Quidditch practice apparently over. Both boys on the couch looked up, Sirius silently cursing his horrible timing.   
              
“You both still up?” he asked, shaking snow from his hair. “Well, you are” Sirius pointed out before glancing over at Remus who seemed to back to reading. “Yeah, but I was outside, you know? Getting fresh air and exercise” James said, dramatically stretching his arms. “There’s plenty of air inside. And studying is exercise for the brain” he said, imitating Remus, who grinned. Sirius noticed, before looking up at James again, who looked down at him with a raced eyebrow. Sirius shot him a look: shut up. James put his hands up: Didn’t say anything, before he turned around, heading for the dorm. He had only walked a few steps when he turned around again. “Oh, yeah! Hey, I talked to Marlene earlier today. Apparently, there will be a party the night before Christmas break in the Ravenclaw common room. Do you guys want to go?" James asked. “Of course" Sirius replied, never known for denying a good party. "What about you, Moony?" James asked. "Mh, what?" Remus looked up from his book, dead tired, and ridiculously adorable. "A party. In the Ravenclaw common room. The night before the Christmas break. Wanna go?" James repeated. "Yeah, sure. Why not?" Remus agreed before closing his book. “That sounds fun” he said and yawned. “I’m going to bed, see you guys tomorrow” Remus said as he stood up and went to their dorm.   
              
Sirius watched after him as he walked from the couch and into their dorm. Before even looking up at James, Sirius knew exactly what expression was plastered on his friend’s face. “Drop it” he said, looking up at James, who was grinning knowingly. “What? I’m not holding anything” James raised his, obviously empty, hands. Sirius rolled his eyes and sighed “You know what I’m talking about” he said, standing up. “Alright” James shrugged. "Well, I think I'm gonna follow Moony's idea and go to bed as well" Sirius announced before heading for their dorm, James following.    
              
At the beginning of the stairs, Sirius felt his arm being grabbed. He turned around and looked at James who was looking at him with that damned wicked grin. “So…” he whispered. “Did anything happen back there?” he asked. “You know, before I came?” “Why, what’s it to you?” Sirius held his book close to his chest. James shrugged “Just curious. I mean, you two pretty much had the whole common room to yourselves it seemed” he pointed out. 'Something maybe would have happened if you didn't have such terrible timing' Sirius thought, but decided not to say it and just shook his head. “Nothing happened. We just sat there, studying” he replied. For the first time in his life, Sirius didn't feel like telling James what had happened, or rather what had maybe been about to happen. James raised an eyebrow. “That’s all” Sirius finished casually. James just nodded, not quite convinced with the answer, but didn’t press for details.   
              
As the boys entered their dorm, Remus was already in his bed. Submerged by the covers, his hair ruffled over his pillow, breathing softly. Unlike Peter, who’s snoring almost sounded like a pig’s, well it could be worse, Sirius thought himself as the two boys silently got to their own beds.   
              
As Sirius lay on his back, trying to fall asleep, his mind kept going back to the scene in the common room before James stormed in. He tried to not dwell on it too much, but he couldn’t help but wonder: Had Remus really been going to kiss him? Sirius wasn’t sure, he hadn’t leaned that far, but he had definitely moved closer. Had Sirius actually been wrong about Remus not liking him? Maybe he did. For the first time now, Sirius felt like there was a possibility that Remus might return, at least, some of Sirius’ feelings.   
              
After lying awake for an hour, unable to calm his nerves, Sirius got out of bed. He dragged his covers with him to the window, sat down and stared into the snowstorm. As hard as he tried he couldn’t make his thoughts shut up. Every time he closed his eyes he could see Remus sitting on the couch beside him, the way he leaned towards Sirius. What would have happened if Sirius had leaned towards him back?   
              
Sirius looked over at the bed closest to the window, the one where Remus lay, sleeping soundly. He smiled as he took in the sight before him. How Remus lay with the covers up to his chin, only his head visible. How his mouth was half open, a little bit of drool falling on his pillow. 'Beautiful' Sirius thought to himself, feeling warmer.   
              
As Remus moved his head, a few locks of hair fell over his face. Sirius fought the urge to move those strands away, until he noticed how they seemed to be bothering Remus. He slowly got closer to his friend’s bed, reached out his hand and, as softly as he could, moved Remus's hair away from his face. After doing so, Remus momentarily opened his eyes, locking gazes with Sirius, who froze. But, once Remus had closed his eyes again and Sirius realized the boy was still half asleep and probably wasn't aware of what had just happened, he relaxed. Sirius got up again and went to his own bed. He still couldn't fall asleep, but he needed to think. When Remus had opened his eyes, Sirius had felt scared. But, somehow relieved at the same time. Almost as if he wanted Remus to catch him there. Did he? Did Sirius want Remus to find out about his feelings for him? He couldn’t deny that keeping it all a secret from the other boy was exhausting. At first, he had managed fine, but as weeks had turned into months, with every day it became a harder and harder task. It was weighing down on his chest every single day, all the time and he felt like he couldn’t breathe because of it. Maybe it was time, maybe Sirius should tell Remus how he felt. 


	5. Cowardice and Christmas parties

Finding the perfect time to do so seemed much harder than Sirius had anticipated. He wanted to tell Remus when the two of them were alone. But, here was the problem, they were rarely ever alone. And, during the rare occasion when they were alone, Sirius was so nervous, his mind went blank and he never knew what to say. 

How do you tell someone you’re in love with them? Especially if you have no idea about whether or not they have any romantic feelings for you. Should you even be confessing your love for someone if you don’t already know if they have romantic feelings for you? How do you confess your feelings and not make it awkward? His thoughts would spiral, and he was running out of time. He wanted to do this before Christmas break, if he would until after, he wouldn’t be able to enjoy the time away from school. He was sure of it. He would just be anxious the whole time, regretting not having said anything. However, what if waiting was just what he needed? Sirius had thought about it earlier. If he waited until after the Christmas break, maybe his feelings would have disappeared by then. There was just that little voice in the back of his mind telling him it wouldn’t work. 

‘Why does this have to be so complicated?’ Sirius often thought. Why couldn’t he just walk up to Remus and say to him: “Hi, I’m hopelessly in love with you and have been for about couple of months now. Okay, that’s it. Just wanted to let you know. Okay, bye!” and just walk off? ‘Because you’re a mess’ Sirius thought to himself as he walked right past Remus instead of stopping in front of him. 

 

Then, one Saturday, during a trip to Hogsmeade, Sirius found the perfect moment. All four of the friends had gone in separate directions, buying each other their Christmas gifts. After Sirius had bought everything he headed over to The Three Broomsticks where they were all going to meet. Remus was the only one there when he arrived, sitting in a booth in the farthest corner, reading a book. Sirius took a deep breathe and headed over to him. 

“Not too busy, are you?” Sirius asked as he sat down opposite his friend who responded by holding up a finger. “Guess you are. Fine, then” Sirius said as he took off his coat. “Sorry, I’m just at a really interesting part in this book” Remus said as he put his bookmark on the page he was reading and laid the book on the table. “You finished early?” Sirius asked, looking over at the closed bag sitting beside Remus. “Not long before you, I got here maybe ten minutes ago” he said and took a sip of his butterbeer. As he put the mug down Sirius was quick to pick it up and take a sip. “That’s mine, get your own” Remus told Sirius, who pouted. “But, you share if you care” Sirius said jokingly, trying to push down the nervousness he felt around Remus. Remus looked at him confused and then mildly exasperated, which made Sirius’ heart jump. “The slogan is: Sharing is caring” he corrected. “Fine, sharing is caring. So if you care even just the littlest bit for me, you’d share this glorious drink with me” Sirius said dramatically, with a hand over his heart, realizing he could feel it beat through his sweater. Remus looked at him with a neutral, yet annoyed expression for a while until he caved and smiled “Fine, we can share”. 

Sirius smiled as he took another sip of the butterbeer. As he put the mug down and looked over at Remus who was staring out the window, Sirius realized. They were alone. Well, technically speaking, there were a lot of people around them, but they were the only ones sitting in the booth, no nosy friends nearby. Sirius could tell him, confess everything that’s been bothering him for the past months. Finally tell Remus he’s in love with him. And find out, if Remus returned those feelings, like Sirius had begun to suspect. 

Sirius took a deep breath and momentarily closed his eyes, preparing himself. “Moony, there’s something I want to tell…” “Remus! Hey!” Sirius’s heart dropped in his stomach as he heard the voice. “Hey, Katarina” Remus smiled up at her. “Buying Christmas presents?” Katarina asked as she pointed at the bag beside Remus. “Isn’t it getting kinda last minute?” she added. “Better late than never, they say” Remus replied, and Katarina laughed. Sirius felt the ugly knot in his stomach and wished he could block the two of them out. Unfortunately, he had no such luck this time. “I guess, they do” Katarina said with a smile “Well, I won’t keep you from whatever you two were doing” she added and was already heading away when Remus said: “You’re allowed to join us if you like” and Sirius almost wanted to slap him in the face. “No, it’s okay. I was about to head over to my friends anyway. I just wanted to say hi. It was nice seeing you here. And you too, Sirius, your hair looks amazing by the way, as always” Sirius couldn’t deny he was surprised by the compliment. “Thanks” he said, rather awkwardly, suddenly feeling extremely bad for disliking her. “See you guys later” Katarina said before heading the other way. 

“So was there something you wanted to say?” Remus asked, and Sirius froze. ‘This is it’ he thought ‘You can do it now’. But as he opened his mouth he felt his throat get dry, he couldn't hear any other sound than that of his heartbeat. He looked over at Remus who sat there, waiting for him to say something. ‘You coward’ Sirius thought to himself before he said: “Was there? I don’t remember” He lied. “It will probably come back to me at some point” he lied again and took a sip of Remus’s butterbeer. 

Shortly afterwards, James and Peter joined them and the four hung out for a while, although Sirius’ mind was in another place. He had officially given up. No matter where they were, no matter the situation. Sirius couldn’t seem to get it out of his mouth what he wanted to say. Maybe it was for the best, maybe he should just go with the plan of not saying anything and hope that during the Christmas break, these feelings would die down and everything would go back to normal, though he vastly doubted it.

 

“Do you have everything?!” James yelled, probably for the fourth time that evening. “Yes!” Sirius yelled back, tugging his hair behind his ear as he stood bent over his trunk “You’re sure?!” James voice echoed from the bathroom “Absolutely!” Sirius stood up straight. “What about this?” James appeared, throwing Sirius’ hoodie at him. “I’m gonna wear that tomorrow on the train” he explained as he caught it midair. “Alright then. Guess we’re set” James walked over to his own trunk and closed it. 

It was finally the last day at Hogwarts before the Christmas break, and Sirius and James were about to head to the party that was being held in the Ravenclaw common room. Remus and Peter had already packed their things. Translation: James had already caught them and forced them to pack their stuff before the party while Sirius was showering. 

“You know there are things we can’t pack until tomorrow morning, right?” Sirius asked him, sitting down on his bed. “I know, but considering we’re going to a party tonight we will most likely be dead tomorrow morning so, better have as much as you can ready” James explained, and Sirius nodded in agreement. “You are going, right?” James suddenly asked. “Why wouldn’t I be?” Sirius was confused. “It’s party. I’ve never been known to turn down an invitation to a party and if I don’t get one, I’ll invite myself” Sirius reminded his friend who looked thoughtful. “Why? Why do you ask?” “Oh no reason, really it’s just, you know, Katarina’s probably gonna be there and Moony will most likely want to talk to her and just…” he trailed off, absentmindedly scratching the back of his neck. “Of course” Sirius thought, not quite so excited anymore. “It’s fine, I’ll just be somewhere else” he said as he tried not to dwell on the thought too long. “Shall we go?” he asked as he got up and walked to the door.


	6. A party never forgotten

As the two boys entered the Ravenclaw common room, the party seemed to be in full blast. There were tiny fireworks in the air and loud music playing. “How did they even get permission to do this?” James had to shout to be heard. “They’re Ravenclaws, they either know of some genius manipulative way to get permission to do this or they’re just smart enough to know how to hide it from all the teachers” Sirius shouted back. “But, they’re Ravenclaws, not Slytherins. I don’t think there’s any sort of manipulation involved” “Maybe, maybe not. Either way, let’s just try to have some fun” the words almost died in Sirius’ throat as he spotted Remus with Katarina standing by a window. ‘Damn it’ he thought. He had just arrived and was already regretting it. 

“There’s Lily!” James suddenly exclaimed as he almost ran over Sirius. “Goodbye, then” Sirius said as he spotted Peter by the table where the snacks were. He walked over “Having a great time?” he asked as his friend was stuffing his face. “Fiff fih ich grey” He said as he spat all over Sirius. “I see” he said as he wiped the crumbs off his shoulder. “Oh, sorry” Peter said and grabbed a handful of tissues. “Nah, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it. So you’ve been here long?” He asked. “Yeah, me and Moony got here when the party was just starting, where were you guys?” “Packing” Sirius explained. “Has Moony been there a long time?” he asked, pointing over to where their friend was still talking to Katarina. “Yeah, pretty much since we came. I think those two are really hitting it off. Surprised I haven’t seen them snogging yet”. Sirius wanted to punch his clueless friend in the guts. He didn’t even want to think about it. He didn’t want Remus kissing anyone that wasn’t him. He knew he was being selfish, but he didn’t care. He felt all mix of emotions as he watched the two talking. Remus was smiling, happy. 

As he kept looking over at the two, Sirius felt this pull he had felt some time before. He couldn’t do it, Sirius realized. He just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t keep it hidden from Remus any more, he needed to tell him. He needed to know. As the moment that happened on the couch played in his mind, Sirius realized, he needed to know. “I’ll be right back” he said to Peter as he started slowly walking towards Remus and Katarina. 

For a second, he stopped. Pondering whether he should wait until the party was over or go over and talk to Remus now. He wasn’t sure when the party would be over, and he had no idea for how long Remus was intending on staying there, probably not for long. However, Sirius knew he couldn’t wait. He had to tell Remus, he had been putting it off for too long. It was now or never. He was going to walk over there, get Remus to talk to him in private and then tell him.   
              
Right as he was about to walk up to Remus, the worst thing imaginable happened. Katarina reached towards Remus, pulled him closer to her and kissed him, and the worst part was, Remus kissed her back.   
              
Time froze. Sirius could feel his heartbeat in his ear, he felt like he was about to vomit out his guts, he had a massive lump in his throat and couldn’t breathe, his vison was blurry. Someone was standing next to him, trying to communicate with him, but he couldn’t see who it was. He couldn’t tear his eyes off Remus and Katarina, who now only looked like spots of colour.   
              
He closed his eyes, when the person standing next to him started shaking him, and the tears started falling. “Sirius, what’s the matter?” Peter, Sirius realized, asked him. Sirius looked over at his friend but couldn’t get a word out. Instead, he ran past him and out of the room. Then went as fast as he could back to the Gryffindor tower and into the dorm.   
              
He doubled over as the pain became overbearing and screamed as he dug his fingernails into his scalp. He had never felt this type of pain before. It was overbearing. He was drowning, his lungs were completely empty, and his heart was on fire. Then, he felt overcome with rage. Rage at Katarina for kissing Remus, rage at Remus for kissing her back, rage at James and Peter for not stopping him from going, and rage at himself, at his feelings for his friend. He wanted to tear every book to pieces, break every window, just simply trash as much as he could of the dorm. But, before he could do any of that, James ran inside, followed by Peter.   
              
Feeling the tears welling up, Sirius looked over at his best friend and started talking “He… he… and her. Sh-sh-she” he couldn’t get anything else out. But, he didn’t need to. James just nodded while looking at him sympathetically and said “I know. I saw”. Sirius cried out in pain as he let his body drop. James caught him before he hit the floor. “Peter could help me here?” James asked, and the two boys managed to half carry, half drag Sirius over to his bed. James sat down with Sirius and held him as he sobbed onto his shoulder.   
              
“He… he likes her”  he managed to say through his crying “You were right”. James tightened his hold on Sirius. “I know. Although, I wish I wasn’t” That sentence made Sirius cry harder. As he buried his face deeper into his friend’s neck, holding as tightly as he could, he let all his anger and hurt out.   
              
After sitting there for a few minutes, Sirius had calmed down, but he felt exhausted, the tears had left streaks down his cheeks and he felt messy. “Thank you” he said as he sat up properly. “Don’t mention it” James shrugged. “My shoulders are always free for my friends to cry on” James said as he looked down on his shoulder, which was now covered in tears and snot. “Lovely” he remarked. “I’m sorry” Sirius said, wiping his nose with his sleeve. “Don’t worry about it” James assured him. Sirius looked down on the ground before putting his head in hands. “It’s so pathetic” he stated, running his fingers through his hair. “It’s not, really. It’s perfectly normal to cry over someone” James said, rubbing Sirius’ back. “Yeah, but usually when that happens to people, it happens after they break up, or someone dies or something. Not because you just saw them kissing another when the two of you aren’t even dating” Sirius sighed.   
              
James was about say something when Peter, who had gone over to the other end on the room, came back, holding a small bar of chocolate. “Moony won’t notice. Take it” he said, handing it over. Chocolate was probably the last thing Sirius wanted to eat in this moment, but he still took it, not caring whether or not Remus would notice it’s disappearance.   
“Thank you” he said, and Peter smiled. “Anything we can do for you, Pads?” James asked after a while of sitting in silence. “Not really, no. I just want to go to sleep” Sirius said and put his chocolate bar on his nightstand. “Sure thing. Just brush your teeth and wash your face before, and put on pajamas, you will feel better, trust me” James told him as Sirius was about to go to sleep, still in his jeans. He sighed and got up. Normally he would argue, however he wasn’t in the mood for it that evening. James was the ultimate mother hen of the friend group, much to everyone’s surprise, and you simply didn’t argue with him unless you wanted to spend the next hour doing so.   
              
After Sirius had put on his pajamas and brushed his teeth, hair even combed, courtesy by James, he couldn’t deny he already felt better. He still felt like shit, but not as much as before. He got in bed and closed his eyes. But, that only brought back the image of Remus and Katarina kissing and Sirius felt sick in his stomach. He opened his eyes again and turned on his back. His gaze strayed over to the chocolate bar on his nightstand. He pondered whether he should eat it or not. He wasn’t in the mood for eating at the moment. However, he still sat up, picked up the bar and brought it to his lips. He hesitated before closing his eyes and smelling it. The smell reminded him of Remus. He took a deep breath before taking a bite. He let it melt in his mouth before eating the rest. He then lay down again.   
              
After tossing and turning around for what felt like a whole eternity, Remus entered the dorm. Sirius felt a pang in his chest as he pretended to be asleep while he watched Remus walk over to his bed. He bit his lower lip after the other boy had pulled the curtains around his bed closed. Sirius refused to cry again, especially with Remus in the same room.   
              
He lay on his stomach, hugging his pillow, staring off into space until tiredness eventually took him, and he fell asleep.


	7. The talk (with James)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized how the title could be misleading so sorry. (I'm still keeping it tho, it's funny now)

When Sirius woke up the next morning, he noticed Remus wasn’t in the dorm, thankfully. Actually, he noticed, Sirius was the only one in the dorm. After lying in bed for a few minutes, staring out the window, feeling empty inside, he decided to get up, get dressed and get something to eat, in hope of filling this empty feeling. 

As he was getting dressed, he felt nothing. As he walked down the stairs from the Gryffindor tower, he felt nothing. As he walked towards the Great Hall, he felt nothing. As he spotted Remus sitting beside Peter by the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, he felt a surge of emotions. Dread, misery, heartache, love. All mixing together. He wanted to throw up. However, instead he walked over and sat beside James, in front of Peter, trying not to look at Remus, but couldn’t help glancing over at the other boy, who, to Sirius’s surprise, didn’t look so well. He seemed tired and he’s mind appeared to be off somewhere else. 

Speaking over James, who was talking about Merlin knows what, Sirius asked the boy: “Everything okay, Moony?” James stopped talking as Remus looked up from his plate and at Sirius. “I’m fine” he smiled “Just tired. Didn’t sleep well”. Sirius wasn’t quite convinced by that, even though the statement was followed by a yawn, Sirius was sure Remus was lying. “What about you? Not being rude but, you don’t seem your best” Remus asked. “I’m just…” Sirius thought up a lie. “Think I’m getting sick” he nodded, and went back not really wanting to eat the food on his plate. 

After a while of silence, James continued talking. Sirius tuned it out, his mind distracted. Remus didn’t seem okay. Why didn’t he seem okay? Sirius wondered as he looked up at his friend who was looking at something behind Sirius and Peter. “Be right back” he said as he stood up. Sirius turned in his seat and noticed Remus walking over to Katarina who sat by the Ravenclaw table. He noticed the smile on his face as he sat down beside her, talking to her. Sirius was quick to turn around, cursing the tears that clouded his vision. “Padfoot, are you okay?” James asked, touching his arm. Sirius shook his head, trying as hard as he could not to cry. He took a deep breath, staring down at the plate in front of him. James affectionately rubbed his back “Just don’t think about it” he whispered. “It’s kind of hard not to think about it when it’s sitting right behind me” Sirius pointed out, feeling like there was something pulling at his chest. He turned around, took one glance at Katarina with her hand on Remus’s back, and stood up. I’m gonna finish packing. I’ll be in the dorm” he said, and power walked out of the Great Hall. 

Once he was in the dorm, he stood with his back against the door, looking upwards. ‘Don’t cry, don’t cry, you bastard, don’t you dare cry’ he thought to himself as he kicked the door with his heel. Why did he have to feel this way? Why did he have to be so upset? Why did Remus have to like Katarina? Why did he have to be with her? Why did Sirius have feelings for Remus? Why was he in love with him? Sirius closed his eyes and banged his head against the door, then immediately regretted it. He rubbed the back of his head as he walked from the door to his bed. He picked up the wrapped presents for his friends from his trunk and laid them on the bed. He looked at them and for a moment felt tempted to take the one for Remus and throw it out the window. Instead he rolled his eyes at the stupid thought and put it back on the bed. 

Sirius just stood there, not quite sure of what to do with himself. He knew he couldn’t avoid Remus forever. He only had to be around him for a few more hours and then they wouldn’t see each other for over a week. Sirius had thought that the break would be long enough to make the feelings he had for his friend disappear, turn into platonic feelings like they had been like before. But, since the recent development in Remus’s love life, Sirius now felt like that wouldn’t be the case. He had never felt like this before, this in love, this jealous. It was eating him alive, seeing Remus with Katarina, happy like that. 

Sirius sat down on his bed and stared out the window at the snow falling softly to the ground. He took a deep breath. ‘Okay’ he thought to himself ‘Only a few more hours. You need to keep it together for a few more hours. Then the break starts, and you will find something else to focus on but him, okay. You can’t think about him like that during the break, you will not focus on him, you will not wallow’ he decided as the door opened, and James, Peter and Remus all entered. ‘Keep. It. Together’ he thought as he looked at Remus, his heart sinking in his chest.

 

On the train a few hours later, Sirius sat by the window, occasionally glancing over at Remus who sat opposite him with a book. 

When the three boys had entered the dorm, all four had exchanged their gifts and then hung out in the common room with Lily, talking, until it was time to leave. Sirius had managed to hold it together, thankfully, but it had been hard. So, sitting on the train, knowing in a few hours that he would not see Remus for over a week, helped. 

But, he couldn’t help but feel stupid, weak. Over how upset he was, how much it hurt. Knowing, for sure, that Remus didn’t return Sirius’s feelings, why did it bother him so? ‘Because you’re in love with him, you idiot’ Sirius thought to himself. But, he wished he wasn’t. He wished there was a spell or something that would make this stop. That would make all the romantic feelings for Remus go away and turn everything back to the way it was supposed to be. 

As the train pulled into King’s Cross station, Sirius breathed in relief. After saying goodbye to Peter and Remus and sitting in James’ parents’ car with James telling his parents everything that happened this semester in detail, Sirius let some tears silently fall down his cheeks as he stared outside at the snow.   
“Hey, man. You okay?” James asked, putting his hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “Yeah, yeah I’m fine” Sirius lied as he wiped the tears off his face, before looking back out the window. 

He took a deep breath. ‘Okay’ he thought to himself. ‘Listen here, you little shit. You better stop crying right this second. You will not dwell any more on this, you will keep your mind focused on anything else but Re… him’ He didn’t even want to think his name, it hurt too much. ‘Damn you son of a bitch (literally)’ Sirius cursed himself. He couldn’t even think of his friend’s name without feeling his heart break like a very delicate teacup. 

But, he kept his own word. The next few days, Sirius did not cry, his mind did not dwell on Remus at all. Okay, maybe a bit, maybe a little longer than he cared to admit, but he did not cry. He filled all his waking hours with something to do with James, and even helped Mr. and Mrs. Potter around the house to keep his mind occupied at all times. All of them decorated the tree and made cookies amongst other things. It helped, doing something. Not leaving enough space for emotions to cloud his mind.

So Sirius was fine, for the most part. He just wished James would stop looking at him with his big, doe like eyes like that. Like: I can see you’re hurting, and I don’t approve of how you’re dealing with the pain. Okay, Sirius didn’t read that from James’ eyes. James actually told him those words Christmas Eve.

“Prongs, I’m fine. I’m over it. I’m over him” Sirius said with a fake smile, feeling hollow inside. “We both know that’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told” James said, sounding grave. Sirius turned his back towards James as he pulled off his sweater. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes ‘No crying’. “Your eyes are red, constantly” James continued. “You’re keeping this all inside, letting it build up. It’s not good. You need to let this out”. Sirius turned around. “I’m fine” he said. Whether he was trying to convince himself or James more, he wasn’t sure. “I don’t need to let anything out, I just need some cookies” Sirius said, walking past James, who grabbed his arm. “Talk to me” he said, eyes piercing Sirius. “Cry. Do something that actually helps. Don’t destroy yourself like that” “I’m not” Sirius stared back at him and pulled his arm to himself. “Why do you care what I do now anyway? You’ve never cared that much about my love life or who I like before” “That’s because you’ve never been in love before” Sirius felt like he was being punched. “I never told you about…” he whispered. “You didn’t need to” James explained. “I see the way you look at him, the way you look like around him. I saw how you reacted to Moony kissing Katarina” “Shut up” Sirius felt the tears in his eyes, clouding his vision. “Why? So you can be in denial over how you feel? So you can keep destroying yourself over this? You do realize that once we’re back at school you’re gonna have to face him.” Sirius felt the realization hit him. No matter how he ignored this now, he would have to face it in a week. “You’re gonna have to face the fact that Remus likes Katarina.” Sirius lungs suddenly stopped working, he felt like he was drowning. “You’re gonna have to see them together, as a couple. Because that’s what they are. Because Remus has feelings for her and not for you” “Shut up. Shut up!” Sirius shouted as the tears started flowing. “He’s not in love with you” James whispered sympathetically. “No!” Sirius pushed his friend away from him. “You piece of shit. Why would you do this? Why are you saying this?” He said through his sobbing. “So you can get all the pain out. So you can really get over it the healthy way. You can’t keep it all inside. It’s not good” James walked over to Sirius and put his arms around him. “What do you know?” Sirius pushed him away again. “What do you care?” he repeated his question from earlier. “You’re my best friend. That’s why I care. And I hate seeing you in pain like this” “And so instead of letting me deal with it the way I wanted to you just decide to jump in and make things worse?” Sirius felt his anger rise in his chest. “Worse?” James chuckled, annoyed. “Dude, I’m helping you. The way you were dealing with this is not okay. Sooner or later you were gonna explode. Better have it happen here than at Hogwarts right in Moony’s face” 

Sirius felt like he had been slapped in the face by ice cold water. James was right, he realized as he calmed down. After how last semester ended, he knew he couldn’t ever tell Remus about his feelings. If that ever happened… Well, he had no idea what would happen. “You’re right” he admitted. “I’m sorry” he looked down. “It’s just… It’s just hard. I don’t know what to do” he said as he looked back up at James who put his hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “It’s okay. I’m here. I just want to help” Sirius nodded his head. “Yeah, of course. Thanks”. He said expressionless. 

After a while of silence, James asked: “So, what do you want to do?” “Nothing” Sirius exhaled, feeling emptier and more tired than before. “Perfect” James said, alarmingly excited. “Prongs, what are you…?” “My time has come” He said as he disappeared from their room. Well, it used to just be James’ room, but after Sirius started staying there every Christmas and summer it was now their room. 

Sirius sat down on his bed and waited, slightly nervous about what James was going to do. As he waited, he thought about all that James had told him. It was a little harsh, but it was the truth. And Sirius needed to accept the truth. He couldn’t hide from it, it would eventually sneak up at him at the worst of times. He needed to feel the pain, needed to accept it. It was hard, but that was what he had to do. 

James walked in through the door with a mountain of blankets. “Oh, no” Sirius said as he was bombarded by the pile. “Be right back” James said and, again, ran out of the room. Sirius adjusted the blankets on his bed and threw a couple of them over on to James’ bed and kept waiting. 

Finally, the boy returned with a tray of cups of hot chocolate and a plate of cookies. He kicked the door shut and joined Sirius on his bed. 

“Okay” he said. “Here’s what we’re going to do. You are going to tell me everything. Everything about your feelings for MoonMoon” James explained, and Sirius looked at him with a disgusted look. “Did you just call him MoonMoon?” “That I did, and you’re going to talk about him, now” James picked up his cup and dramatically took a sip. “Now” he said “Begin”. 

Sirius sighed and rolled his eyes “Why are we doing this?”. James put down his cup, leaned forward and said, earnestly: “Because I want to help you get over him”. Sirius was surprised. “I know that’s what you want, so that’s what we’re going to do. Now, I know that this will not be enough to do so, but hopefully some of the pain will go away. So” he picked up his cup and said: “Speak”. 

Sirius felt weird doing this. The two of them had talked about this topic twice before. He felt it unnecessary doing it again. But, after a while of awkwardly explaining how this all started, how he realized his feelings and all that jazz, he got more comfortable, and the words flowed easily out of his mouth, only occasionally pausing to take a sip of his chocolate. He talked about the jealousy he felt every time Remus and Katarina were together, about what had happened on the couch, when he had thought Remus had wanted to kiss him. And about the resentment at himself when he saw the two kissing. To his surprise, Sirius’ eyes only got teary here and there, no actual crying. Once he was finished he felt relieved. Like he had been carrying a rock in his chest and finally it was out. He felt like he could breathe again. 

“Wow” James said as he picked up the last cookie. “Now, that’s one story” “Agreed” Sirius said and put down his empty cup. He looked out the window, at the snow falling to the ground. It had been years since they had gotten that much snow around Christmas, he realized. But, it was calming. Looking at it from inside. 

“How do you feel?” James asked after a while. “Better, relieved. I mean I’m not over him yet” Sirius stated the obvious “But” he said. “But, it’s a start” James finished for him. “Yeah” Sirius agreed and looked at his friend “Thank you”. James grinned and said: “Merry Christmas”. Sirius was confused for a while before looking over at the clock on James nightstand and seeing it was past midnight. “Merry Christmas” he told his friend.


	8. Goin' back to Hogwarts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course this chapter isn't named after the first song in AVPM, what on earth are you talking about?

Standing on King‘s Cross was more nerve wrecking than Sirius had anticipated. The rest of the Christmas break had been relaxed, thanks to the conversation with James on Christmas Eve.   
He had been right. He couldn’t keep all his feelings bottled up inside for long, he would explode at some point. It had happened before. It couldn’t happen again, he couldn’t risk it. Especially not in front of Remus. He couldn’t find out. It would change everything, and not in a good way. 

So, after the talk, Sirius fully enjoyed the rest of the break, without having to distract himself from the pain. Because it had lessened. The burden was off him. James’ support helped him come to terms with the truth. So, the day before they headed to Hogwarts, Sirius felt like he was fully ready to go back. To see his friends, especially Remus, and not feel like his guts were boiling every time he would see him with Katarina.   
Unfortunately, when finally arriving upon King’s Cross and seeing Remus, everything inside Sirius went to shit and it was as if the whole of Christmas and New Years had never even happened. 

He wanted to kiss Remus, scream, cry, hold the other boy in his arms forever. The mix of emotions made him dizzy. And when Remus smiled at him, Sirius had never felt this happy. When Remus hugged him, Sirius closed his eyes and felt all the love explode in his heart like a geyser. 

He managed to keep it all hidden. During the ride to Hogwarts, Sirius couldn’t help how he kept staring at Remus as everyone talked about their Christmas break. He felt incredibly happy, it was hard to contain his smile. However, as they entered Hogwarts, Sirius got nervous. His feelings for Remus and all that followed had apparently not subsided at all during the break, like he thought. And he knew a certain someone would eventually show up. And lo and behold, it did around dinner time. 

As if scripted, Katarina showed up beside Remus and the two began talking, while Sirius lost his appetite, as per usual. Sirius kept his concentration on anything else, as he felt like his guts were being tied into a knot. He stared at his plate, shoving food into his mouth, not even daring to look up, until a hand touched his shoulder. He looked up at Remus looking concerningly at him. “Sirius are you okay?” “Yeah” he breathed, noticing that Katarina was gone “I’m fine”. Remus’s hand stayed on Sirius shoulder and the two boys looked into each other’s eyes for a second before Remus looked away, drew his hand back and went back to eating. 

Sirius sat frozen for a few seconds before his eyes strayed over to James who sat there glancing back and forth between the two of them with the sneakiest grin on his face. Sirius’s heart did a backflip in his chest. Then his brain took over. ‘It was probably nothing. He didn’t mean it like that. He doesn’t like you, not like that. It was nothing, it was nothing’. But, he couldn’t get that image out of his head. The way Remus had looked at him, it reminded Sirius of that evening in the common room. Like he had wanted to… But, no. That couldn’t be. Remus was with Katarina, Sirius had seen the two of them kissing. But, he hadn’t actually seen anything else that hinted that they were together. But, nothing else made sense. Remus wouldn’t kiss anyone he didn’t like. Sirius knew that much about him. But, Sirius couldn’t hide how hopeful he felt, at least not to himself. Even James seemed to notice something had been there. Unfortunately, Sirius’ hopes were crushed later that day when he found the couple talking in the hall later, Katarina with her arm linked with Remus’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so short it just didn't fit with either 7 or 9.


	9. Help me get over you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The name of this chapter is angstier than the fic in it's entirety.

The first couple of weeks of the semester was like any other, more or less. Except for Sirius being totally head over heels in love with his friend Remus who was dating Katarina. He tried not to dwell on it, the fact that he was in love or the fact that Remus was dating Katarina, but it was hard, considering he hung out with Remus every day. Or, at least hung out with the same people as him every day. Since figuring out his feelings for Remus, Sirius had felt it harder being around him, talking to him. Especially since Remus started dating Katarina, or at least since Sirius knew Remus was dating Katarina. He wasn’t exactly sure when the two had gotten together. So, the first couple of weeks Sirius had tried, and managed quite well not to be alone around Remus. He was afraid of something like the evening in the common room or the one in the great hall would happen again and he would get his hopes up, only to have them crushed a few moments later. But, he couldn’t avoid being alone with Remus forever.

And it happened exactly a couple and a half week into the semester. Sirius was walking across one of many bridges that lead inside Hogwarts after spending one class outside, that didn’t need to be spent outside but for some reason the teacher thought it a fantastic idea to spent herbology outside in January, when he noticed Remus. Standing by the rail, looking down, seemingly deep in thought. Sirius felt tempted to walk away, but felt a pull in his chest that told him not to. So, he walked over to his friend. 

“Sup?” he asked, sounding upbeat. “Not much” Remus looked up at him, and smiled. But, Sirius could see the sadness in his eyes. “What’s wrong?” he asked, worried, and moved closer. Remus looked around at the students walking past them. When they were gone, and the two of them alone, he spoke. “I… I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something” he said, voice low. Oh, god. This was exactly why he didn’t want to be alone with him, Sirius thought as he felt his hopes go up. 

“Sure, what is it?” he asked, trying to sound calm. “What did I do?” Remus voice sounded broken. “What… what do you mean?” Sirius was confused. “I didn’t want to bring this up, but it’s been bugging me for months. I thought I was just making things seem worse in my head than they really were in real life but, I’ve noticed it better after Christmas break. You’re avoiding me”. Sirius didn’t know what to say. “What? No, of course not. Why would I be avoiding you?” Sirius could hear how terrible his lie was. “That’s what I’m asking” Remus said as he took a step closer to Sirius, who felt his moth go dry. “I’m not avoiding you, Moony. I would never do that” Sirius regretted every lie that exited his lips, but he couldn’t exactly tell him the truth. “But, you have been. I know it” Sirius closed his eyes and looked down while his friend kept talking. 

“Last semester you didn’t talk to me as much. You seemed more on edge and your jokes were less frequent. I knew something was wrong but didn’t know what and now I’ve realized it’s because of me. So, I ask you because I just want to know, will you just tell me what I did? And I will fix it. If I can” Sirius looked back up and saw tears in his friend’s eyes. Sirius sighed as he felt the pain in his chest. He wanted to tell him but knew he couldn’t. He couldn’t tell him it was because he was jealous. But, Remus thought it was because he had done something wrong. He thought it was his fault, and it wasn’t. It wasn’t.  
              
“It’s not you. Not exactly” Sirius said. “I’m sorry. It’s just…I can’t tell you, okay? I… I had to avoid you because of reasons I can’t tell you” he explained and looked down, feeling horrible. “Why can’t you tell me?” Remus asked. “It’s just…” Sirius started, holding his book over his chest, like a shield. “It just… It doesn’t matter. I’m sorry” Sirius knew he sounded like a jerk, but he was so afraid. “It matters to me” Remus said and took a step closer to Sirius, who took a step back. 

“You’re one of my best friends. One of my first friends ever. And sometimes I still wonder how you want to be my friend” Remus said, voice lowered. “Remus come on. How could anyone not want to be friends with you?” Sirius asked, shocked at his friend’s words. “You’re wonderful. You’re so much fun to have around and amazing at helping others and…” “Then why are you avoiding me?” Remus repeated, a little harsher this time. “Come on, Sirius. Why can’t you tell me this? Did I do something that terrible? Do you hate me?” Remus asked. “I could never hate you” Sirius whispered, looking down again, feeling defeated. “Then what is going on?” Remus asked him, tired.   
              
Sirius had never felt his brain so empty before. He didn’t know how he could explain without admitting that he loved him, but he felt himself getting tired of hiding it. “Well, what is it?” Remus asked and stepped closer to Sirius, who felt himself getting more nervous by the second. He looked up into Remus's eyes. He felt the knot in his stomach, he could barely breathe. They were standing so close, Sirius realized as he felt his heart beat faster than it ever had before. He felt his fingers going numb, whether from the cold or the way Remus stood so close to him, Sirius didn’t know. But, he knew he was tired. So tired of hiding, of avoiding. And lying. He didn’t want to lie, not anymore. ‘Screw it’ he thought.  
              
“I saw you” he admitted, feeling his heart in his throat. “What do you mean you saw me?” Remus looked at him confused. “Not just you. Katarina as well. During the Christmas party in the Ravenclaw common room” Sirius explained, feeling both relief and anxiety in his chest. Remus's expression turned from confused to realization in seconds. “Oh” he whispered. “Yeah, oh” Sirius agreed. “Why do you care about that?” Remus asked him, looking somewhat embarrassed. Sirius sighed. “And that was only right before the break, you were already avoiding me before that. I don’t understand how these things are related”. Sirius felt himself rolling his eyes. “They’re not?” he asked, and Remus looked at him with furrowed brows. “I… I don’t know how they are” he admitted. “Well” Sirius marveled at how his smartest friend could suddenly be so dumb. “Think about it” Sirius kept looking at his friend as he started fiddling. What was he doing? He was basically telling his friend without telling him. But, he wanted to. He wanted him to know, but he was too afraid to tell. However, Remus looked at him confused, still. “I… I’m not sure” he said slowly.   
              
As Sirius realized he was breathing heavily, he stopped. He felt tingles all over his skin. Like something was trying to crawl its way out. “Merlin’s beard, Remus. Are you absolutely oblivious?” Sirius was losing it. He was tired, so tired of hiding it, tired of pretending. He just wanted his friend to figure it out, so he wouldn’t have to say it himself. But, he felt the words flowing, and he couldn’t make them stop. “Even James caught up on it couple of months ago. I’m surprised you still don’t get it” “Get what? Why can’t you just tell me?” Remus asked him, exasperated. “Well, it doesn’t matter now, does it?” Sirius sighed. “I mean, since you and her are now… you know” he hinted, not wanting to say. But, Remus looked only more confused. Sirius felt like screaming right before Remus said: “Katarina and I aren’t together” Sirius stopped himself, feeling a mix of emotions. “You’re… You’re not?” He asked, feeling out of breath. “No, we kissed during the party but that’s it. Nothing else happened between us” Remus explained. “Oh. But, but I thought…” was all Sirius could say as his mind played all the occasions when the two had acted like a couple, or when Sirius only thought they were acting like a couple. “Why? Why do you care?” Remus asked again, and Sirius felt his annoyance rise again. “Have you seriously not caught up on that?” He asked, voice rising. “I don’t know” Remus excused. “I just thought… I’m confused now and I…” “I’m in love with you!” Sirius shouted, feeling the relief as the words flowed from his lips. “Okay? I’m in love with you. Now you know” he said and felt his heart crash in his stomach. He had done it. He had actually done it.   
              
Remus looked at him, shocked, and Sirius felt like his heart was beating a million beats a second. “You… you…?” Remus stuttered before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. Sirius felt the sudden urge to run as far as he could from Remus, but he stayed still. “But, if you… then why have you been avoiding me this whole time?” Remus asked. “Well…” Sirius started, feeling his throat getting dry. “At first, I just, I didn’t understand what I was feeling and because I thought, you know. I thought you and Katarina were… so I… I couldn’t stand seeing you together like that” he explained. “I have never… never felt like this for anyone, but you” Sirius looked up at Remus, unsure, as he gripped his book tighter, fingernails digging into it. “I’ve never…” he struggled with getting the words out. “The way I feel for you” he looked down “It’s all different and new, and it scares me” He looked up again. “I’ve only ever been in love with you” he whispered, loud enough for Remus to hear.   
              
Sirius closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He wished Remus would say something, but the other boy stayed silent. As the silence wore on, Sirius felt the anxiety creeping up. After a while he finally spoke: “Look…” Suddenly he was caught off guard when Remus started kissing him.   
              
Remus's hands held tightly to Sirius’ jacket, his eyes tightly shut. Sirius stood still for a few seconds, eyes wide open, as his brain took in what was going on. He dropped his book before closing his eyes and kissing Remus back. His arms immediately went up and around Remus's shoulders and held him close. He stood up on his toes as Remus pulled Sirius closer, wrapping his arms around the other boy. Sirius felt his heart explode in his chest with happiness as he pressed his lips closer against Remus’s. He gasped as something cold touched his neck.   
              
“Sorry” Remus whispered, moving his lips away from Sirius’ who slowly opened his eyes, noticing Remus moving his hand down. “It’s okay” he breathed, not letting go of the other boy. His heart was doing cartwheels in his chest as Remus moved Sirius’ hair away from his face and smiled. “When… what…?” Sirius stuttered, out of breath, still confused by Remus's sudden actions. “I thought you liked Katarina” he admitted. The other boy bit his lower lip and looked down. “No” he whispered, like he was telling a secret. “No, I don’t” “Then why did you kiss her?” Sirius asked as the image entered his mind. He took a step back, pulling his hands away from before picking up his book. Remus scratched the back of his neck before “I thought that… of all people, she would be the one to help me” He started, looking down again. “Help you what?” Sirius asked, anxious. “You know” Remus motioned with his hand to the air. “No, I don’t” Sirius had a mild idea, but he didn’t want to get his hopes too high.   
              
“I thought she could… you know, help me get over you” Remus whispered the last words. “Get over me?” Sirius asked, not sure whether he should feel hopeful or not. “I like you” Remus admitted after a while. “I’ve liked you for years. And I tried, for all this time I’ve tried not to. I’ve tried focusing on someone else, anyone else other than you” Sirius felt his heart drop. “But, I… it never worked” Sirius stepped closer to Remus. “So, you kissed her because you thought that…?” Sirius didn’t want to say it, thankfully Remus finished for him. “I kissed her because I thought that, if I liked it, it meant that I was finally over you. In this past year I’ve tried to convince myself that I like her and then I kissed her, and I really thought I did like her because I liked kissing her until I realized the only reason I liked kissing her was because I was imagining that I was kissing you. And then I realized that I don’t like her, not like that. Because she’s not you” He took a step closer, cupping Sirius’ cheek and whispered: “I’m in love with you too”.   
              
Sirius couldn’t control his happiness as he practically jumped on Remus, his book yet again dropped before grabbing either side of the boy’s face as he kissed him with everything he had. Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius and kissed him back. Sirius felt his hair falling over his face, but he didn’t care. He felt so happy in this moment, he couldn’t control the smile appearing on his face. Soon, Remus was also smiling.   
              
After a minute of half kissing, half smiling the two boys just stood there, still holding each other, resting their foreheads together, eyes closed. “I love you” Sirius whispered, feeling lighter than a feather. “I love you too” Remus replied, sounding equally light.   
              
Then, a gust of wind flew by and Sirius felt a chill down his back. “We should go inside” Remus said and took a step back. Sirius already missed the touch, but tried not to let that show. “Yeah, you’re right” he said as Remus picked Sirius’ up and handed it over to him. He smiled and headed for the castle. As Sirius watched him, his heart dropped. 

“Wait” Sirius called and Remus stopped. “What?” he said. “I’m sorry” Sirius moved closer. “About how I’ve been. Avoiding you. It wasn’t fair. It never was. I was just jealous. And I know it’s not an excuse, but I feel bad about it, really” Remus closed the gap between them with a small kiss. “I understand” he said, standing close. “I have often been jealous of everyone you’ve been with. It’s quite an ugly emotion”. “It is indeed” Sirius agreed. “But, I must say, I’m glad, about one thing” “What thing?”. Sirius felt a smile appearing on his lips. “I’m glad you were never over me. I know it sounds bad, but it’s true” A playful smile appeared on Remus’s lips as well “Why is that?” “Because I don’t ever want to get over you”. Both boys smiled and leaned in for one final kiss when they heard someone loudly gasp. 

As the turned to see who it was, they spotted by the end of the bridge, a very wide-eyed James Potter, standing next to a confused Peter Pettigrew. James mouthed something that Sirius was sure was: I knew it. Remus turned back to Sirius red faced and whispered: “To be continued?” “Absolutely” he whispered back before the two of them headed towards the castle hand in hand.


	10. Epilogue (We're good)

Katarina got off the train at King’s Cross and breathed in the London air. It certainly wasn’t as clean as the air at Hogwarts, but it smelled like home. The sun shone in her eyes as she said goodbye to her friends and promised to keep in touch over the summer, and looked for her parents. It wasn’t easy, considering the platform was crowded. 

She walked around trying not to bump into anyone, when a voice called her name. “Katarina! Katarina!” she turned and noticed one Sirius Black, waving at her and trying to get to her through the throng of people. 

She didn’t know him that well, she knew his friend, well now boyfriend, Remus, actually had a recovering crush on him, so she was quite surprised to see him this eager to talk to her. “Hey” he started as he finally caught up with her. “Hey, how are you?” she asked him as he caught his breath. “I’m fine. Look, I wanted to talk to you about something” he said, seriously. “Uhm, sure” she said, “Go ahead”. He nodded and looked into her eyes. “I’m sorry” “For what?” she asked, confused. “Earlier this winter, I kind of hated you” he said earnestly. “Oh” she was surprised, what had she done? “You didn’t do anything wrong though” he said as if he had read her thoughts. “It’s just, I found out I liked Remus and I could see you liked him as well…” Katarina blushed, embarrassed. “I just… I got jealous and I didn’t like you because I thought that you and him were together, but it wasn’t fair on you, so I just want to say: I’m sorry” He finished, sincerely. 

Katarina wasn’t quite sure how to respond. “Oh, uhm, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it” she said, somewhat awkwardly. “I understand. It’s fine. Jealousy is quite the villain, ain’t it?” she asked, silently telling herself to shut up. “Yeah, I guess it is” Sirius agreed with her. “So, we’re good?” he asked her. “Yeah” she nodded with a smile, “We’re good” “Okay” Sirius nodded back and started turning around. 

Before, he fully turned he said “I’m sorry it didn’t work, with you and him” he sounded sincere. “It’s fine, I’ll find someone else” she smiled reassuringly at him. “Okay, see you around” he said and left. “See yah!” She called after him as she watched him walk towards his friends. She caught Remus’s eye and waved, he waved back, and then a flood of people went past, and she was forced to go back to looking for her parents. 

As she looked she thought about that interaction. Never had she thought that ‘Punk-God’ Sirius Black would apologize to her, for being jealous. But, she couldn’t blame him. When she’d found out Remus didn’t like her, but Sirius, she had felt jealous as well. But, it made her happy to know they were good terms. Even though they never had been very good friends in the past, she hoped maybe in the future they could. ‘After all, there’s always a first time for everything’ she thought as she found her family and ran towards them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like ti thank all of you who took your time to read this fic, it means a lot to me and I hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> I also would like to thank my dearest friend who let me send her all my thoughts about this fic, it really helped. Thank you!


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